Monthly Archives: February 2015

Mood Swings and Roundabouts

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Okay, so my brain and my body have gone swapsies this week….

With depression, I found personally that initially your brain is ill, feels bad and takes your body along for the ride. Then you get medicated. It helps your brain heal, or at least puts the horrors on hold while your brain gets the time off from them to heal. Meanwhile, while your brain is busy, the cat’s away and the mice come out to play with what’s left… Energy changes, weight gain/loss, memory goes up the swanny, and lots of other fun things (fill in the blanks).

I have tried to counter all this by changing my eating habits and getting loads more exercise. I (bizarrely) love running now… So… you get to a point where your brain is almost there, and so is your body. The two meet in the middle and yay! You can start cutting down the meds. Your brain knows it’s time to start flying free, but has actually quite liked the freedom the tablets gave. Your body doesn’t quite know what hit it.

Hence the raging insomnia which kicked in with me, and now the combination of raging insomnia, raging over-sleeping and, well, just plain raging. It’s like that scene in a teen movie where the teens have promised to be good while their parents are away, and you cut to the scene of the ill-advised wild party then cut to the next scene where the parents return and see in horror what has happened to their beloved homestead. I’m at that final scene. I’m the parent, and my body is the house. Which, I suppose, makes the tablets the teenagers. I never said it was the best analogy… And I definitely never said there was any party!

Putting it another way, my brain has (mostly) healed and my body is sulking, because I’ve started taking away its comfort blanky. My body and my brain don’t seem to be on the same page at the moment. I’m starting to experience the same behaviours that I had at the start: not wanting to leave my room – or even my bed, wanting to shut down and hide. But whereas at the beginning it was because my brain was desperate to be left alone, to stop thinking, to stop existing, now it’s my body that wants all these things…

BODY:     Oh leave me here, please, this bed’s nice and warm, plus I just prefer it here.

BRAIN:    No. Come on, get up. There’s lots we want to do.

BODY:     Not me. I don’t want to do any of it.

BRAIN:    Come on. Out of that bed.

BODY:     No. My bed will miss me. It’s got a memory foam mattress and I don’t want it to forget me.

That’s one of many situations you find. Your relationship with food gets weird again. Initially you ate rubbish because it made you feel good. Well, perhaps not good, but it was comforting. Nobody ever got solace from a lamb’s lettuce. Your brain had left the building and your body was fending for itself, Lord of the Flies style. And possibly it was another cat’s-away situation which enabled your body do  a little more to add to the damage.

Now, on the other hand, it’s the body that’s on the rampage, wanting to be self-destructive all by its lickle self (not so lickle, at the moment!)…

BRAIN:    Come on, Body. I’ve made you a delicious kale and pineapple smoothie, Yummy and packed with nutrients! It’ll make you feel fantastic!

BODY looks up from its nest of crisp packets, chocolate smeared all around its mouth, its hands clutching at various sweet wrappers.

BODY:     Huh?

Whereas before Brain felt bad and dragged Body along, now Brain feels better, but Body thinks it’s calling the shots and is repeating all those behaviours. I feel like a healthy brain trapped in a depressed body. Weird.

Oh well, better go play ‘Here-comes-an-aeroplane’ with that smoothie…

Wish me luck!

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“Sleep is the best meditation”

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So, it’s nearly a year since my, er, ‘episode’. The tablets have done what they could. The counselling has accomplished more than could have been hoped for. The exercise regime (amongst other stuff) will continue to keep me on the straight and narrow. Now a few other things have fallen into place and a couple of lightbulbs have appeared above my head.

For instance…

I’ve since realised that the reason I’ve had a tickly cough for nearly a year is, lucky me, a side-effect to the medication… Now, according to the official website for such things, this is an ‘uncommon’ side effect. According to my other research (at about 3am in the morning), it’s actually extremely common and quite puzzling for those who have it. I, for one, will be glad to see the back of this particular delight. In fact, one night I coughed so hard, I ended up with a couple of floaters in my eye.  Not nice for an arachnophobe to have something  that really, really looks like a spider swinging around freely in your eyeball!

I say 3am because, as I’ve started gradually reducing my daily dosage, my brain has started throwing tantrums like a toddler. And of course, one of the big things that toddlers throw hissy fits about is going to sleep.

11pm comes…

ME: I’m going to sleep so well tonight. I’m shattered.

BRAIN smirks.

Midnight comes…

ME: Come on! Let me get to sleep..!

BRAIN: Nope.

4am…

ME: Seriously? Are you taking the mick? LEMME SLEEP!!

BRAIN: NOOOOOO!   I’m not going to let you sleep and you can’t make me! NONONONONO!

5am…

ME: Just a little?? Pleeease?

BRAIN: I hate you.

Each night the same so far for a week. I’m tempted to designate a ‘Naughty Step’ and go and sleep with my head on it. I’m joking, of course. There will be no sleep. Perhaps a little bit of headbanging, but that would be it.

And, of course, there are the throngs of students that meander/stagger their way past our place throughout the night. And they’re not quiet.

Here are 4 points they should consider:

  • You may think you sound like Michael Bublé or Lana Del Rey when you burst into song. You actually sound like a variety of small household pets being throttled.
  • Rethink your footwear, ladies. They can’t be safe. The clip-clopping sounds like the horse fair has hit town. I fear for your ankles. Seriously I do. No, really, I mean it.
  • I don’t care who’s cheating on who or who’s been stalking who. It’s a private conversation? Keep it private!
  • No, I don’t give two hoots who you think the best/worst football team is. Neither do any of the dozens of people you’ve also just woken up.
  • Just wait till you’re my age, sunshine. Revenge will be mine.

5 points. Okay, there were 5 points. You see, I can’t even count these days…! I need to sleep.

Luckily the exercise/running/etc is still going well, so that’s helping me keep what little sanity remains. But let’s just say I could still give Grumpy Cat a run for his money at the moment. Hopefully this will begin to lessen over the next couple of weeks. In the meantime, thank goodness for Flixster…

Addendum

Saturday, fully prepared for another long clock-watching night, I passed out at 11pm and didn’t wake up until 9am.

Gahhhhh!